I start a new job on Monday.  YAY!  Finally.  It's doing HR work for a "big" company but it sounds really great.  I like working with people - even if sometimes they can be such pains.  Hopefully things go great there.  I'm on "probation" for the job so I hope I do really well so they'll keep me (and I get the company benefits...heh heh heh). 

Other than that life's been pretty much up and down (as usual).  "Heart-to-heart" discussions with my mom have been happening quite a lot recently and I realize that working out my emotions is better for everyone.  I realize now that the only one I'm really mad at is myself for being so dumb and irresponsible.  I always blamed her for my problems when deep inside I knew I was the only problem in the situation.

In order to correct this, I've challenged myself to change my habits.  I've heard that it only takes thirty days to change a behavior and I'm hoping that'll ring true for me.

It's time to turn over a new leaf and become responsible and become accountable for my own problems and shortcomings.  I hope things work out really well...and I know that they will as long as I stick by my word and follow through with things (following through has never been my strong suit).

Yet again another job interview that went nowhere.  *Sigh*  Meh.  I'll figure something out...hopefully. 

Sometimes I'm beginning to wonder whether I should even bother trying to apply for other jobs.  Then again, being at a job that uses none of my talents and bores me to sleep (literally, although I try not to nod off) urges me to find something more...palatable.  Granted, I do nothing for four hours out of my day but still, at least give me something to stay awake. 


Anyway, I've taken up drawing and writing again (more so the writing than the drawing).  I guess the experience of going to a comic book convention (you can call me a geek if you want) sort of re-awakened the comic book artist spirit I had back when I was in high school.  Although, I'm so out of practice when it comes to drawing that I feel like I'm learning how to draw all over again.

A second problem is that I'm probably the biggest procrastinator in the world.  I know what I have to do but I just can't bring myself to do it.  It's like I'm avoiding an imagined failure while failing (I see not going through with something as being a failure).  I can basically think of every possible excuse not to draw or write. 

I was originally planning on writing something relatively happy (having a stable, although underpaying, job and a house to live in) but I'm still stuck here with my idiotic and horrible father.  Just conversing with him makes me angry. 

I turned off the amplifier downstairs which was making the television he was "watching" too loud.  He got all angry and slammed the screen door; all the while mumbling about how apparently we think we're gods.  WTF?!?

It's already eleven here and my mother has trouble sleeping as is.  On top of that, there's my grandmother, brother, and I who are also trying to sleep.  What makes it even worse is that he was SLEEPING!  God!  There are times when I wish I had millions of dollars so I could pay for their divorce and kick him out of my house (yes, the house is legally owned by me).

It's things like this that make me want to move out of my house and just stick it out on my own.  It makes me want to just pack up, apply for a job out of the country, and move. 

Sometimes I wish I were some superhero fighting monsters and demons (I'm watching Angel right now).  In a lot of ways killing demons seems easier than having to live with one.

I know that I haven't written in here in a while.  Haha.  How many times have I written that? 

Anyway, as Christmas and my birthday approaches, I begin to wonder what will become of me.  2005 has been uneventful until recently.  I quit my only industry-related job in June.  I goofed off for the summer (and a bit longer) on the pretense that I was going to re-evaluate my life and get it to where I wanted it to go.  I've only been working since October 17th.  It's a temp job doing boring and repetitive paperwork (is that the only thing I'm good at doing?).  The people there are nice so I can't complain too much.  The pay isn't good though, and no benefits either.  I'm still waiting for my government gig to open up...but I'm sick of waiting. 

All my life I've been waiting for something magical and amazing to happen to me.  I thought that amazing time was going to happen when I got to college.  You know, the whole "new experiences, new people" thing that people talk about.  At that point I was legally an adult.  I could go out drinking, have crazy sex, do recreational drugs, and all the other fun stuff that you're supposed to do when you get to college.  But I didn't do any of that...at least, not at the level that most people do it at.  Sure, I went out occasionally with friends after classes but I didn't really drink much, maybe one or two drinks at most.  I didn't have "crazy sex" either.  Actually, no sex at all would be the actual truth.  Haha. 

For the most part I've been a good kid.  I always finished my homework, had good grades, didn't do drugs, didn't sneak out at night to see a guy, didn't go out partying until ungodly hours of the night, no arrests, no crimes, got the respect of teachers, focused on nothing but school and career, played video games, watched anime...and that's pretty much me in a nutshell.  I've abided by my parents (more like my mother's) rules nearly all of my life.

At the end of it all, all that my "goody-two-shoesness" and "sheltered" life has given me is nothing but lonliness.  Up to this day I don't go out to clubs because it makes my mother worry.  I don't go out to bars for the same reason.  I don't go out period because every time I try and go out, my mother lays this humungous guilt trip on me about her worrying about me.  I don't have the heart to argue with her because she's sickly...and because I feel like I've caused her enough pain by just being alive this long which causes her to put up with my father (he makes Satan look like Mother Theresa). 

At the same time, I wonder when I will get the chance to grow up and fall in love and maybe have kids of my own.

There are a lot of times I feel suffocated by everything around me.  I get up, go to work, come home, sleep, and then do it all over again.  I don't go out, unless it's to go to the mall with my mother.  There's no variation...no change...nothing.  The days go by but nothing changes.  It's like I'm stuck in a time warp where the same day repeats itself over and over again but no matter what you do, you can't change it so you wake up the next day thinking something new will happen but it's just the same day all over again.

There's a part of me that just wants to pick up my bags and go somewhere...anywhere...and be on my own.  I'm almost twenty-three years old and I haven't been out of my mother's sight for more than a week.  But I can't leave.  The house that the entire family lives in is under my name.  All of the money I earn goes to paying the bills. 

Honestly, I don't mind paying for things.  I don't mind being in debt for my parents.  I don't mind giving them the money I earn to help them.  But at the same time, what about me?

I haven't seen a movie in a movie theater with friends since my final year of high school.  I haven't been on a date in over four years.  I haven't even been out with a friend since September.  Every time my high school friends want to get together to catch up on old times I have to say "no" because my mother doesn't want me to go. 

Truth be told, as I get older, the less friends I end up having.  The older I get, the more my mother wants to keep me inside her house.  I can't even go to the library on my own because my mother insists that she picks me up and drops me off there.  And when I'm there, she calls me on my cell phone to make sure I'm actually at the library.

WTF?!?  I've been such a good kid all of my life and she still doesn't trust me to go out there and just hang out with people.  Granted, I'm not one for bars or clubs or anything...but let me go out once in a while. 

 Let me breathe. 

I want to ask her what will happen to me when she dies.  I want to ask her who will be there for me when she's gone.  I want to ask her who I can turn to when I'm crying and need someone to comfort me when she's gone.  I want to ask her, "How can I have someone to love me when you won't let me have the chance to meet someone who will love me?" 

Who will love me when she's gone?

My friend Jeremy's in California right now and he's working for a film company there.  He's off on his own, doing his own thing, living his life.  And I'm here.  How I envy him. 

I just want the chance to grow up and be an adult.  I'll be twenty-three in eleven days but I'm treated like a five-year-old. 

My computer decided to randomly get infected with malware and spyware yesterday. So, in order to combat that and forget about dealing with removing viruses, I opted to format my computer. I had previously partitioned my hard drive the last time I had formatted the drive so I thought that whatever I had saved onto my other drive would be safe. On top of that, usually when you format you have the option to decide which partion to delete. Unfortunately, it didn't give me that option. The computer decided to delete both partitions. So, I lost all of my graphic design work, my websites, all of my pictures, music, programs and games. Sigh. Luckily I had just updated my website so I didn't lose a lot of my portfolio stuff. But, it is going to take me an extremely long time to get myself back on track. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!